Maybe I'm afraid of commitment because I'm afraid of being alone. I know that doesn't really make sense, but it sort of does. I'm afraid of being with someone for the rest of my life, because that is all you know for your whole life and if that person leaves, or dies, then what do you do. That constant person in your life is gone. So maybe I'm afraid of marriage and a serious relationship because I'm afraid of letting something go that has always been there for me. Maybe that's why I've never really fully gotten over my 6 year relationship. That routine I had gotten so used to, that loyal person I knew I had was always there. Now, it's not. It's hard to digest.
So this brings to me what this is about. My grandparents.
I don't remember how long they've been married, probably around 45 or so years and my grandpa is now dying of lung cancer. I've never had to watch a grandparent lose a spouse. So to watch my grandma lose her husband, who she's been with the majority of her life is really hard. He's all she knows. They spend every waking moment with eachother and still get along and have a good time. And now she is going to be alone for the first time in her life. How do you deal with that. I don't know why this is so hard, seeing as I lost my mom and my dad lost his wife. I guess because he's younger was able to find someone else. My grandma is at an age where, she could meet a companion, but it's not a husband. Maybe this situation is making me realize either way in life, you die alone (usually). I guess I'm afraid of being alone and dying alone.
I just hate watching her cry to me that when he goes, she'll have nothing to live for. That breaks my heart.
So maybe my fear of settling down, marriage, building a life together, etc. scares me because I'm afraid of abandonment. I actually know this is what it all comes down to.
It doesn't make much sense seeing as lately I miss having that stability in my life. That partner I can go home to. Who I know will always be there.
.......
Aw Shannon I'm sorry to hear that your Grandpa isn't doing so well... I totally understand what it's like to watch your grandparent go through losing the love of their life. My Papa had Alzheimer's and my Nana took care of him on his own for the first few years that he had it. He kept going downhill and was on a waiting list to be put into a home, where there were people who could take care of him 24/7. Once he was in the home she still went and visited him every single day, even if he didn't say more than a word. They were married for over 60 years and it was all she had known. Her life changed so much even when he went into the home, but at least every day she would wake up and know she was going to go visit him. He died after being in there for a few days short of a year, but she dealt with his death so well. I remember at the funeral she was comforting ME. She still gets up every day and goes out for coffee or goes and plays Euchre. She is sure to keep herself busy and she's adjusted so well.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to think of her being on her own, but Grandma's are a lot stronger than we give them credit for. Right now mine has been in the emergency room all day, and she is still cracking jokes even though the rest of us are freaking out.
But that part about your Grandma not having anything to live for isn't true. She still has you, doesn't she?