losing the one you love.

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment because I'm afraid of being alone. I know that doesn't really make sense, but it sort of does. I'm afraid of being with someone for the rest of my life, because that is all you know for your whole life and if that person leaves, or dies, then what do you do. That constant person in your life is gone. So maybe I'm afraid of marriage and a serious relationship because I'm afraid of letting something go that has always been there for me. Maybe that's why I've never really fully gotten over my 6 year relationship. That routine I had gotten so used to, that loyal person I knew I had was always there. Now, it's not. It's hard to digest.

So this brings to me what this is about. My grandparents.

I don't remember how long they've been married, probably around 45 or so years and my grandpa is now dying of lung cancer. I've never had to watch a grandparent lose a spouse. So to watch my grandma lose her husband, who she's been with the majority of her life is really hard. He's all she knows. They spend every waking moment with eachother and still get along and have a good time. And now she is going to be alone for the first time in her life. How do you deal with that. I don't know why this is so hard, seeing as I lost my mom and my dad lost his wife. I guess because he's younger was able to find someone else. My grandma is at an age where, she could meet a companion, but it's not a husband. Maybe this situation is making me realize either way in life, you die alone (usually). I guess I'm afraid of being alone and dying alone.

I just hate watching her cry to me that when he goes, she'll have nothing to live for. That breaks my heart.

So maybe my fear of settling down, marriage, building a life together, etc. scares me because I'm afraid of abandonment. I actually know this is what it all comes down to.

It doesn't make much sense seeing as lately I miss having that stability in my life. That partner I can go home to. Who I know will always be there.


.......

maybe it's okay after all...

So Valentine's Day 2012 has come and gone.

It was actually pretty good. I think personally if you don't have any high expectations and think it's going to be something out of a movie, then it can turn out okay. Even just something like a dinner and a bottle of wine and a movie is good for me. It's the thought that counts really. Especially if it's coming from someone who doesn't even like doing anything on that day, it's even more special.

I guess I like it if it's not a huge thing. I don't like the stupid cheap crappy chocolate or the stupid stuffed animals, or the overly expensive flowers. That's what I don't like about the day. But the simple gestures and the love you have for each other is what matters.

I'm happy and think I'm ready to let go of all the insecurities that I have and fully enjoy what I have because what I have is pretty freaking awesome.

it's that time again

Well, it's that time again. It's coming up to Valentines Day. That one day of the year that pisses me off so much, yet I secretly wish someone would sweep me off my feet with rose's, fancy wine and a candlelight dinner. Yet the majority of me dislikes this day a lot. Can't wait to act all gloomy and weird on Tuesday.

Oh love, I don't think I will ever understand you or figure you out.