online dating

Online dating is weird. I've tried it one to many times, to the point where I just can't do it anymore. If that means if my relationship I'm in now ends, and it takes me a trillion years to meet someone in person, then so be it.

Don't get me wrong, it does work. I've had three relationships because of the internet. It's just a somewhat weird concept. Scrolling through profiles, picking someone's profile because of their picture and then reading a brief blurb about who they are. Basing your decisions on a few small reasons and you message them. You may hit it off online, you may not. One thing is you build that person up in your head to be someone they're not.

So okay, you've picked a profile you like, so next step is to message them. They'll look at your picture and based on that, they'll message you back or not. If they don't, most likely they find you ugly. It's bit of a blow to the ego but it's something you must get used to. If they message you back, great. So you start talking about your common interests. Music, movies, books, etc. Most of the time if you guys have a lot in common, it feels like you're meant to be. Which is bullshit. So because of this, you usually both feel an instant connection. At this point, you start to open up and tell this other person how much you like them. For some reason its very easy to tell someone you don't know that you like them. If you actually knew this person, it wouldn't be. Hiding behind a computer screen makes things much easier. So you keep talking, usually for hours on end because for some reason, you just can't get enough of each other. It's like you've never had anyone understand you so well. You've never related to someone or had so much in common with anyone before (when really, you have, you're just in this weird fantasy land). Everything just seems so amazing, this person is so amazing, because this person isn't real, they have no flaws. This person is so amazing in your head, so why wouldn't you want to be with them? They're telling you everything you want to hear, because it's just soo easy to express any sort of emotion, because technically this person isn't really real. You can tell this other person, so many lies and they'll believe it. "Oh you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen", "I have never related to someone so well" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Because I've done my fair share of online dating, I've honestly heard all of this, every single line from every guy.

Okay, so you've formed a weird, fake connection. Great. Step two; Meeting in person.

Well this is always weird and nerve racking. So you've built up this imaginary perfect person in your head and now you're meeting this perfect person, except, they aren't, no one is. So that initial "hello" is always the worst. You aren't a picture anymore so now he see's that pimple on your face that you hid from the camera. He now see's you don't have perfect teeth cause in your picture you weren't smiling. You aren't as "average size" or "skinny" you kinda lied... or he kinda lied. So now you either look at him like he wasn't what he said he was, or you aren't. So it either can go that way. Disappointment. Now what, you're not attracted to eachother, yet you have to stay and act interested. Wouldn't it be great if you could just say "sorry, I don't think you're attractive, I'm going home now" It doesn't work that way. Now you gotta talk about all that shit you talked online but in person and make it sound like you care. Then you're date is over, you go home and click on another profile and hope that this one is different (usually they aren't, usually it's the same shit all over again). It's a vicious cycle. You gotta sift through the shit til you get to the good stuff.

So let's say you both find each other attractive. Swell. During the whole date you're on cloud 9. Perfect person is still perfect. They're funny, nice, attentive, affectionate and just great. Nothing is wrong. You don't want to leave this person... ever. Everything is blissful.

But after that first date, everything changes.

This is now a relationship. This person becomes a reality, with flaws. That perfect little world you created in your head about about this person is no more. This is when you become let down and want to go back to what this person was online. This person ends up being completely different then who they were on that first date. They pulled out all the stops for that date, to win you over, now they show their true colours and they aren't the same.

Maybe this is how it is with meeting someone in person too. I don't really know, I've only met one boyfriend in real life.

But I think creating this fictional relationship online without knowing each other is unhealthy. I think online dating is unhealthy. Forming a bond with someone you don't know and then having nothing when you meet is hard to deal with. Meeting that person and it successfully working out but that person turning into someone they didn't seem to be like is also hard.

So in the end if you're ready for disappointment turn to internet dating.


Though I can't be completely cynical about online dating, I did meet my current boyfriend and things are fine. I believe things worked out because he's the only guy that I didn't have a some weird fictional relationship with before we met. We talked briefly and then met. I didn't end up creating some other person in my head.

So after all that, I'm off online dating for a lonnnnnng time.

losing the one you love.

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment because I'm afraid of being alone. I know that doesn't really make sense, but it sort of does. I'm afraid of being with someone for the rest of my life, because that is all you know for your whole life and if that person leaves, or dies, then what do you do. That constant person in your life is gone. So maybe I'm afraid of marriage and a serious relationship because I'm afraid of letting something go that has always been there for me. Maybe that's why I've never really fully gotten over my 6 year relationship. That routine I had gotten so used to, that loyal person I knew I had was always there. Now, it's not. It's hard to digest.

So this brings to me what this is about. My grandparents.

I don't remember how long they've been married, probably around 45 or so years and my grandpa is now dying of lung cancer. I've never had to watch a grandparent lose a spouse. So to watch my grandma lose her husband, who she's been with the majority of her life is really hard. He's all she knows. They spend every waking moment with eachother and still get along and have a good time. And now she is going to be alone for the first time in her life. How do you deal with that. I don't know why this is so hard, seeing as I lost my mom and my dad lost his wife. I guess because he's younger was able to find someone else. My grandma is at an age where, she could meet a companion, but it's not a husband. Maybe this situation is making me realize either way in life, you die alone (usually). I guess I'm afraid of being alone and dying alone.

I just hate watching her cry to me that when he goes, she'll have nothing to live for. That breaks my heart.

So maybe my fear of settling down, marriage, building a life together, etc. scares me because I'm afraid of abandonment. I actually know this is what it all comes down to.

It doesn't make much sense seeing as lately I miss having that stability in my life. That partner I can go home to. Who I know will always be there.


.......

maybe it's okay after all...

So Valentine's Day 2012 has come and gone.

It was actually pretty good. I think personally if you don't have any high expectations and think it's going to be something out of a movie, then it can turn out okay. Even just something like a dinner and a bottle of wine and a movie is good for me. It's the thought that counts really. Especially if it's coming from someone who doesn't even like doing anything on that day, it's even more special.

I guess I like it if it's not a huge thing. I don't like the stupid cheap crappy chocolate or the stupid stuffed animals, or the overly expensive flowers. That's what I don't like about the day. But the simple gestures and the love you have for each other is what matters.

I'm happy and think I'm ready to let go of all the insecurities that I have and fully enjoy what I have because what I have is pretty freaking awesome.

it's that time again

Well, it's that time again. It's coming up to Valentines Day. That one day of the year that pisses me off so much, yet I secretly wish someone would sweep me off my feet with rose's, fancy wine and a candlelight dinner. Yet the majority of me dislikes this day a lot. Can't wait to act all gloomy and weird on Tuesday.

Oh love, I don't think I will ever understand you or figure you out.

When the honeymoon is over.

So what happens after those two or three years are over and that newlywed/honeymoon feeling is slowly starting to fade? You see the homemade cards and poems slowly disappearing and the romantic doings are far and few between now. What do you do then? Is that it? The end of the honeymoon? Now you're in the comfortable stage. Where you promise that next year you'll make something for Valentines day or next year we'll go out for dinner, but it never actually happens.

What do you do then? Do you force that honeymoon phase into another year or do you accept the fact and keep going? Do you reminisce about those days when everything was so blissful and amazing? What if relationships were just that, the honeymoon phase. You date for a couple of years until that phase stats to die out a bit and then shake hands, say it's been fun and move on. Sounds kind of nice.

What if you CAN have both, the honeymoon phase AND the comfortable settled in phase. That's gotta be the perfect relationship and I'm sure it's out there. Kudos to you if you have that.

This guy is my Valentine this year. Marcus Mumford from Mumford & Sons. He's a dreamboat.